mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You pole danced in your parka.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
