she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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