At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
