i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
