dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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