So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
