I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
