the condom got lost in my hair
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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