my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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