I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
