Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
