Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
