mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
