I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
