Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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