my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
