the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
