Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
tell me about the eggs
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
