apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
