my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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