i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
