guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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