I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
