I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Boobs are out for the taking
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella