I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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