The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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