he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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