She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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