Fine. I'll sleep in my office
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
