I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
