Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
