we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
