I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
