I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
