hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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