he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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