so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
