We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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