I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
