I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
