We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
