If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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