it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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