you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
