I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
