my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
send nudes
from the living room?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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