i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
