Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
