rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I need mimosas to revive my soul
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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