i jhust puked up my retainher.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nicole vs. Life
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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