so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
