Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You're a waste of cheezeits
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
