i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
