I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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